Mocha the Week Returns!

Cult Coffee 16/09/2024

Cult Coffee – 104 Buccleuch Street

Well, well, well. Here we are, mocha friends, fans, countryfolk. It’s been a real good while, eh? Five ruddy bloody years, to be exact. As might be expected, the whole world has changed indescribably (not really indescribably, I just CBA going over all that political shit – you know what’s been going on, right? If not, don’t come to a coffee lifestyle blog to find out, read a newspaper, you ignorant pig :) ). Besides the whole world, my own world has changed indescribably too. I’ve become a mother twice over and I’ve lost a sister and a father. Two lives, two deaths.

Now, I’ll be honest with you, lads. When I started this blog six years ago with the revelation that I have two dead brothers, I honestly did not think for a moment that I’d be adding another sibling into the mix of this disgusting grief cake of mine so soon, but here we are. My sister, Michelle, died very suddenly and unexpectedly, and to be honest I feel like the earth has only very recently stopped shaking in the aftershock. But I won’t dwell on the tough stuff!

LOL kidding. This is a coffee and grief blog, remember? I drink coffee around Edinburgh and delve into the finer (i.e. acutely emotionally painful) aspects of bereavement. And you know what, at this point, I’m just going to go ahead and call myself A FUCKING EXPERT in the field. If you’ve never read one of these blogs (that’s okay, understandable – as mentioned, the last one came out 5 years ago), I’ve done you a solid and reposted the old ones. Because, as the stalwarts may have noticed, Mocha the Week has a new home here on Substack! Basically, after Michelle died, I fell into a deep and understandable depression, and allowed pretty much everything about my previous life (apart from my then-baby daughter) to lapse into obscurity. I like to think of myself at that time as an aniseed ball, stripped of all my flavour and sugar, leaving behind only the inexplicable seed at the centre* [insert jazz hands emoji, to make you feel less bad for me].  So yes, I’ve joined Substack – is that what the kids are doing now? I wasn’t sure about it, worried it might be a den of vipers? Please advise. I’m here for now, but things can change in a heartbeat, as we grievers know, right? Hahahaha. Anyway.

The other thing that’s a bit different is…I don’t eat/drink dairy anymore. As mentioned above, I have TWO lil childies, the youngest of whom is still feeding with me. I don’t give out much info about my kids online (internet is fulla peds and weirdos, innit), but said baby is quite allergic to a few things, including cow’s milk, so I need to be careful what I eat and drink so she doesn’t get ill. WHICH MEANS I cannot currently drink mochas?! A travesty of Herculean proportions for a mega fan such as me, I know. But I’ll be honest, I don’t miss dairy and on the few occasions I’ve accidentally tasted it since giving up, I don’t like it. At all. So, I think it might actually be a permanent change. Am I going to change the name of the blog in light of this now choc-less era? Absolutely I am not. Even though Mock the Week ended in 2022 and the name has no real cultural relevance anymore? Yep, I’m sticking with Mocha the Week.

And so to this week’s review. To usher in the new Latte Era, I went to Cult because AT THE TIME OF WRITING, it is my honest opinion that Cult does the best coffee in the city. Does this coffee have notes? It’s got an effing symphony, m8. Fruity, floral, mellow, rich, all those words and more. I drink it and I want to keep drinking it forever and ever amen. I drink it and feel my soul soothing at the very first sip, even though it’s pretty strong coffee and what I can actually feel is my heart going WUB WUB WUB for a little while after I finish. If this is the Cult, sign me up.

The perfect latte?

AND YET. I’m not a massive fan of the café itself. This is a real “cool guy café” and it makes no bones about that. Exposed bricks, simple, slightly industrial furniture, odd little toys and artefacts hanging about the place etc. etc. And I can sit here in my Lucy and Yaks and my Reebok Club Cs pretending I’m ten years younger than I am, but the fact of the matter is, I’m a tired mum-of-two with limited alone time and lot of writing to do, and I don’t find the sound of -constant- bants from the Gen Z baristas and their 1 million mates who gather around the counter at all times particularly relaxing. I absolutely could not care less about the girl who got off the train at the wrong stop and…oh shit had to walk home in cowboy boots?! And yet I now know way too much about her and her pinchy toes OR WHATEVER.

I realise I sound like a killjoy, but my free time is extremely limited these days, and a relaxing café/coffeeshop experience is really important to me. I just don’t believe they need to scream-laugh every ten seconds when it’s clear most people are there to work or have a quiet catch up with a pal. It’s performative and attention-seeking and IT IS RUINING THE BEST LATTE IN EDINBURGH FOR ME.

Ahem. Look, I know baristas get paid a pittance** and getting coffee is a luxury in these troubled times, so who am I to complain? Well, I’m just little old me. But I’ve sat to write these reviews a few times now, and this is the only time I’ve been actively irritated by the people behind the counter. So, depending on your mood and situation before you go to Cult, my advice would be, get a takeout and wander around The Meadows with it so you can actually enjoy the peaceful, soul-enhancing vibes of a truly excellent coffee. Unless, of course, you’re friends with one of the baristas, in which case, enjoy your playdate I guess?

Miscellaneous decor

Well, this turned out to be much spicier than I intended for my return to the blogosphere, but there we have it. Maybe I am spicier these days. I’m older, I’m more tired, everyone is dead or dying. I just want to enjoy a quiet coffee now and then. Anyway, hopefully you’ll come back for more (perhaps less scathing?) reviews soon. Will aim to make it once a week, but nothing ever goes to plan, so we shall see. I also forgot to take a picture of the Cult shop front, buuuuut Google it, I guess?

Wishing you love, peace, silence etc. x

*For those like me that are interested/fans of aniseed balls, that little seed is in fact a whole rapeseed, used to form the spherical layers of sugar.

**No idea what Cult’s staff get paid, I mean in general